


A Worthy Sacrifice

by Kiyara_Iris



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, something close to suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 20:59:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15957428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiyara_Iris/pseuds/Kiyara_Iris
Summary: Losing you was the easy part buddy. You were gone in that blaze of glory I’d been striving for since the first time stepping inside Deathscythe.Duo has to examine what the crawling dark inside him means in the aftermath of Heero coming back from the dead.





	A Worthy Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> A short, quickly written piece inspired by Kavinsky’s Nightcall, a beautiful song worth a listen. Not sure if this is categorized as a songfic, lines from the lyrics are embedded into the story, but not really in order. Enjoy ^_^

 

 

               “He’s already tried to commit suicide once, can we really trust that he won’t just blow himself up next to one of us, and take us out unnecessarily?” They’re talking about you again boy, like you’ve turned into some crazy detonator-wielding psycho, but you’re still the same, to me at least. I know you’re up the hills on point, but it wouldn’t matter if you were in this room with us; you wouldn’t give a shit what they think. So why do I? Why am I standing in the kitchen, clenching the counter, focusing on the blood dripping down onto the linoleum from my protesting hands? Fuck. I know why.

               Losing you was the easy part buddy. You were gone in that blaze of glory I’d been striving for since the first time stepping inside Deathscythe. I wasn’t gonna be another gutter rat curled up in a ball around a knife wound or illness or a stomach so empty it started to eat itself. I was gonna be famous, gonna be a fucking hero. And that’s the way it went for you; you were on every goddamn vidscreen and as I watched the footage over and over I envied and missed you, but I never wanted to take that triumph away.

               And then there you were, standing in the doorway of that cell that was robbing me of my same chance at glory; public execution by the enemy was almost as shit a way to die as an unknown anomaly in the night. My body ached with contusions and abrasions, no fight left, only satisfaction in resisting OZ torture; but my mind had been twisting in the dark stink of dying outside the battlefield or even the gunfight of a mission.

               There’s something inside you, it’s hard to explain. Like, there’s this world you’ve created that allows you to move through our desperate existence with an assurance that what you do is right, what everyone else does isn’t quite worthy enough to notice. And something in the way you looked at me changed, there in that doorway; after I’d tried joking, tried to convince you it was alright if you were the one to kill me (not quite a hero’s death, but at least a proper sacrifice on our side) there was such a satisfaction in your cold eyes that I’d done the _right_ thing, you suddenly categorized me in your world as “worthy”. A heated billowing of joy had filled me in that moment; that was the fucking hard part of losing you, how much getting you back meant.

               I could have taken you back into my life, been your comrade, stayed the same homicidal hormonally raged psychotic pilot with a death-wish the size of L2, if not for the dark place growing inside me, wrapping around emotions and feelings; a self-preservation that wasn’t letting me see into the shadows clearly.

               Now, I can’t go on with that unknown, something has changed between us that has me wanting to tear into that room and rip my fellow pilots to traitorous shreds for doubting you. I know what I have to do, and if I end up dying at the unyielding mercy of your hands, then I can’t imagine a worthier death. Grabbing my jacket, smearing blood up the sleeves, I slip away into the night. There’s little moonlight to guide me, but I know you’re up in the hills, so I move my way through the echoing dark.

               It’s not a surprise, the cold metal of the gun that presses into the side of my head. Hadn’t been as quiet as I could have been, I want you to know I’m here, no need to sneak up on a grizzly bear masquerading as a boy soldier.

               “Duo. What are you doing up here? Trowa is next on point.” I nod, surprised as the gun is tucked back and away. I’m an unknown up here, didn’t radio ahead just in case the guys tried to question me. _Trust_ \- it slips into my mind and I let the lightheaded feeling it creates loosen my tongue.

               “I’m giving you a night call buddy, to tell you how I feel.” His eyes slam into mine with the force of one of his fists, but both are clenching tightly at his sides, the muscles tense and exposed because Heero wouldn’t allow himself the luxury of a coat unless necessary for survival.

               “Have you all decided to stop talking about me behind my back then?” I shake my head. The other guys have no idea that this boy is stronger than any of us, his control wouldn’t let him take one of us unnecessarily, just himself. I wasn’t the only one that had a death wish of glory.

               “I want to drive you through the night, down the hills. That ok Heero?” He looks confused, but I won’t elaborate the cryptic statement, I need him to---trust me. Fuck yes, that’s what I needed, how long had I needed that? The shadows shift slightly, receding a fraction from around my pounding heart. 

               “Our orders…”

               “Are to lie low for the next week. There’s no threat in this desert for miles and miles. Please Heero…I can’t do this here.” The dark silence stretches between us and then Heero is shifting his hand back and I think wildly he’s going for his gun. But he pulls a small com to his mouth.

               “Barton, I have something I need to check out, you’re on point in five.” I melt back into the night, back down to the hanger where our jeep is parked. I only wait a few minutes before Heero joins me and the vehicle is racing down the hills, out onto the flat plains of desert between random peaks. The gritty crunching of the tires surrounds us, and I let the silence lay for once, trying to sort through words, put them into an order I never expected to say out loud to anyone.

               I find the ridge easily, the geographical maps for this area fresh in my mind. I get out, gripping my jacket tighter around my body, hearing the other door slam in the still air, the night sounds around us a riot of calls and cries; pleading and desperate and deep. I tilt my head back, the stars and satellites blazing across the sky, their light brushing the barren ground in silvery strokes, highlighting the canyon walls that stretch endlessly before us. The ground looks ripped apart; an alien, open wound in the world. I wonder how far down the ground is, what the impact would be like ripping my body apart, how Heero’s hands would feel as they easily pushed me over the edge.

               “I’m gonna tell you something you don’t want to hear.” Heero suddenly appears before me, his eyes darker than the night, their weight a shock to my system and I tremble, wondering if I actually have the nerve for this. Then I grin, of course a self-sacrificing piece of shit like me won’t balk in the face of sacrificing themselves for Heero Yuy. I blink.

               “I used to think the only thing that would make my death worthy, was if I died in a blaze of glory.” Heero somehow stills even further. I trace the planes of his exposed muscles, softly illuminated and so young. “I envied you your death, ya know? So noble, so fucking perfect--just like you, all of you Heero, all of you is perfect.” His entire body shivers, maybe he was more susceptible to the cold than he wanted to admit, like I was admitting everything now. I had made myself a promise once, that pain was never going to be an excuse to ignore feelings like this. If my heart could burn with love again, it wasn’t going to be denied, was never going to let regret dig in by not telling the person before they were torn from this world. I grin, enjoying the way his eyes seem to follow along the seam of my lips.

               “But then, back you came from the dead and it was like…joy. That shadowy place inside me, it finally makes sense. I’m gonna show you where it’s dark Heero, but have no fear.” I step closer to him, letting my body relax, show no signs of trepidation, nothing that would be threatening; and he was letting me in close, so close I could feel my heat and desire being sucked off my body, into the void of his chaos. The shadows obscure his face, but the features are etched in my mind in even greater detail than any map.

               I press my lips to his, the cold of my nose bumping his warm cheek. Strong hands grip my upper arms and I calculate the trajectory my body would take as it tumbled over the edge and into the dark fall between unforgiving rock walls. Oh god, that’s why I brought us here, to make it easy for Heero to eliminate me if he needed to, easier to explain away as an accident. I trusted his judgment and if he found this new dynamic too much of a threat, I would let him take my life and it would be more glorious than all my imaginings. But the pull of my body when it finally comes, isn’t out into the wild emptiness below, it’s into the hard plains of his body, still wracked with trembles. Strong, such strong arms dig into my open jacket, sliding around my back and clutching me tight to his body, lips a force against my own and suddenly it’s deep and sensual, all tongues and heat and panting and I’m the one trembling now.

               When we finally pull apart, his flushed face is no longer pale with shadows, but warm and tinted pink in its closeness to me. One of his hands had found the braid I’d trapped inside my jacket and twisted it in a shaking hand, fisting it at the base of my spine, pulling me even closer.

               “I don’t want you to die.” Heero’s soft admission has my knees shaking, a tense heat squeezing my chest and I have to take a shuddering breath. It’s more than either of us can promise, more than we can give outside of the here and now, but I nod my head anyway, kiss him gently and disengage from his arms. He looks so young under the starlight, but clearer in my vision than I’d ever allowed myself to see him.

               “Then next time, decide to live Heero. Choose to live, and then come find me.” His eyes widen, but then he nods slowly, turning back for the jeep. Maybe neither of us would get that glorious blaze of martyrdom we desired, but if that meant getting to explore whatever this was between us, then I knew we were both willing to make that sacrifice.


End file.
